Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
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Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
Jupiter
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.