@adamzopf

Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.

You Might Also Like

@AimeeHelene1

Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).

@DurtMcHurtt

For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.

@felixoshea

By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.

I hope it was worth it.

@DanMentos

“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager

@Faungirl123

Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad

Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven

@rachelle_mandik

do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?

@truegritrumble

(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.

@rockymomax

[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now