Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
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For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
And a medium?
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
ME: hey can you spot me
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now