Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
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Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
After 35, your body ages in dog years
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
Lol.
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA