[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
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[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
jesus christ confetti not now
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
Proofread twice, hang posters once
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.