explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
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Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?