Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
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I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
All set.
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes