explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
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Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
Wait a minute
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
Wednesday
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.