EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
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I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.