Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
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[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
<- sleeps well with others
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.