*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
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How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping