[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
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BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
termite twitter scares me
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.