Extremely relatable.
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a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me