extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
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Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
just witnessed a drug deal
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
I gave up going to work for lent.
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.