extrovert: *answers unknown number*
introvert: *googles the unknown number after sending it to voicemail*
You Might Also Like
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
