extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
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Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”