eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
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my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
This hospital has everything
Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*
Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
felt that
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.