eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
You Might Also Like
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
Basically.
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?