Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
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Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
Reporter: *ports again*
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob beeMason bee: just make house
Me: build a way bHoney bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortmentBumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
Dietest Coke
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”