Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
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So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.