@CunniLinguist77

Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.

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@StarWarsProblms

Leia: This is romantic

Han: I know

Chewie: Rwwar

Leia: Does he have to be here?

Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both

@LittleMissZesty

So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!

@HammerFist3

Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time

@HappyHijabbi

Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.

@Birdhumms

People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.

@sock_holliday

TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?

Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me

@JohnLyonTweets

I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.

@CroweJam

“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.

@TheAndrewNadeau

Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.