Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
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What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
Hot Hot Hot
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
me linking you to my twitter
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
Wasps: bees, but not helping
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking