Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
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Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
Cheer up.
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
#Thanos #MondayMood
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.