[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
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When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.
My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
For those that worship cheese..
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.