Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
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THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
British websites use biscuits.
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you