Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
You Might Also Like
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.