(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
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Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
Uh oh…
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!