[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
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Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
[anniversary text]
H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
Accurate
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.