@vineyille
@Lai_Bhari Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
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@Lai_Bhari 
@MommaUnfiltered I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
@psybermonkey *Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
@MadamBetteNoire Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
@LanieLalaBugs I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
@TheBoydP All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
@girl_a_whirl All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
@MooseAllain In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
@Mike_Bianchi To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
@LurkAtHomeMom Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?