[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
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If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.