Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
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To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed