Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
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Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
this is the best interaction on twitter
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
Pringles
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
some things should go without saying
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.