facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
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1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
It do be feeling this way.
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?