Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
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My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
me: *tears up application to harvard
i love meeting boys on tinder
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?