A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
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Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
Noah: A boat?
Noah: Two of every animal?
Noah: I have a better idea.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.