Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-

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A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.


Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?


Noah: A boat?

God: Yes.

Noah: Two of every animal?

God: Yes.

Noah: I have a better idea.

God: What.

Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.


Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.


4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.


Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds


Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?

And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!


4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.

Me: How do we do that?

4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”

I might be raising Elmer Fudd.


I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.