@amburgklur

Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.

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@sixthformpoet

A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.

@hurlarious

Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?

@noog

Noah: A boat?

God: Yes.

Noah: Two of every animal?

God: Yes.

Noah: I have a better idea.

God: What.

Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.

@Shariv67

Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.

@FatherWithTwins

4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.

@MadHatterMommy

Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds

@AmishPornStar1

Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?

And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!

@Dad_At_Law

4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.

Me: How do we do that?

4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”

I might be raising Elmer Fudd.

@CynicalTherapi1

I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.