Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
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This is the one
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.
🙋♀️
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”