@amburgklur

Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.

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@Flora__Flora

Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta

@CulturedRuffian

My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.

@st__arving

[God creating chihuahuas]

“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”

@DanMentos

[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”

@mom_tho

5: mom i learned the months of the year!

me: oh yeah? what are they?

5: january…february…tuesday?

me: *tears up application to harvard

@envydatropic

75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them

And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy