Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
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guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
How much for the goth pool noodles?
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.