Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
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I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
i’m having this made into a welcome mat
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨