Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
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Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen