Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
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*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”