facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
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Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
(Musicians.)
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.