Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
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[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
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You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*