Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
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Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
No laws when master is gone
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”