Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
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A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
Never let them know your next move 😂
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.