FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
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” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet