Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
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8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR