Facebook marketplace is a different world
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I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”