Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
You Might Also Like
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.