Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
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Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
My dog ate my work from home.
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
Check out the legs on this baby
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*