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Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
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I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.