Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
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Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
Great game to play with friends
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
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[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
A fake ID that makes you younger
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.