[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER
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Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”