Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to
Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to
Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to
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Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
This did not end as expected.
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
figuring out my emotional availability:
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.