Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
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Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
also my go-to takeaway order
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie