Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
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“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
How it started: How it’s going:
Traveler’s camo
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
A drum solo but on your face.
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine