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*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?
Friend: 6th grade
Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.
Friend: Computers?
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.